


Spin This World Around

by agent_orange



Category: Next to Normal
Genre: College, Gen, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-22
Updated: 2009-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-05 00:47:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/35919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/agent_orange/pseuds/agent_orange
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Natalie leaves for Yale in late August, and Mom leaves Dad again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spin This World Around

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ViolaCoye](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViolaCoye/gifts).



Dr. Madden tells her that bipolar disorder can be genetic, and she nods, listening as he runs through symptoms (sudden, severe changes in mood, repeated risk-taking behavior [such as abusing alcohol and drugs, sexual promiscuity], feeling "like a superhero with special powers"--his words, not hers, irritability, poor concentration), but she knows all of it already. She's done the research--she's thinking about majoring in Journalism, knows how do to more than just rely on Wikipedia and Google for the information she needs.

"If you ever need to talk, just give me a call," he says, scribbling his cell number down on a business card that already has his work and pager numbers.

*

A month later, she loses her virginity to Henry in the practice room after school. The door doesn't lock, so even though there's not really anyone hanging around, Natalie stays with her back pressed against the door the whole time. Henry's kind of baked, his promise of _I'm not going to do that anymore_ broken. His hot breath smells like burnt wood and rope; she crinkles her nose, but tries to ignore it.

She's on the pill--her cramps used to be so bad that when that time of the month rolled around, she couldn't do anything but clutch her stomach and cry--but she gets his wallet out of his jeans, finds the condom she knows is in there. He's been asking her for a couple of months now. He didn't pressure her or anything, but he came close to it, a few times, sliding his hand along her calf and up her skirt, beneath her shirt, saying, _c'mon, I'll make you feel good_ and _Nat, please_ and _God, you're so hot, I want you_. He loves her (at least she thinks he does); her college applications are all mailed and she's not going to be a virgin when she goes.

It hurts, like the magazines said it would, but after the sharp flash of pain is gone, it's more of an uncomfortable pressure. Slow, steady waves of heat are coursing through her blood, and just as it starts to feel good, it's over.

"Okay?" Henry asks, tucking a strand of her hair behind her ear like some cheesy movie version of a good boyfriend.

"Yeah, I just..." telling him she didn't come isn't going to make it happen; will only make him get all insecure and weird. She kisses him instead, trying to ignore the nasty taste of pot.

*

Natalie leaves for Yale in late August, and Mom leaves Dad again. She'd come home a few months ago; the tenuous relationship between the three of them made meals quiet and conversations brief. She's all the more glad to step off the plane, and into a whole new world. She takes the shuttle the school sent, fishing her phone out of her carry-on to check her messages. Halfway through, she has to hang up. Her dad's crying--trying to make it sound like he's not, and failing to. _"Your mother left again,"_ his recorded voice is saying. _"I...it's for good this time, Natalie."_ She can't help but think that it was her fault, at least partly, but there's nothing she can do now. Mom's never listened to anyone she didn't want to.

*

She thought Yale would be good for her, an escape from the craziness of home, but it's full of stuck-up geniuses and stupid kids whose parents donated buildings so their kid could go to an Ivy League school. Her roommate (_thank you, Housing_) is planning on double-majoring in Mathematics and Physics and Molecular Biophysics and Biochemistry and minoring in Computer Science. Jennifer spreads all her papers out across the dorm room floor, and gets huffy and pissed when Natalie tries to move them so she can, you know, have some space to _walk_.

Jennifer flunks out halfway through the first semester (stretched too thin between too many tough classes), and they don't assign Natalie another roommate. She likes having a single. She likes the closet space, and she likes being able to work straight through the night without Jenn's whining about the lights. She pulls all-nighters at least once a week, relying on Red Bull and double shots of espresso to keep her alert. Her record is fifty-one hours, and it's kind of a fucked up thing to be proud of, but it shows how hard she's working to be there.

*

Natalie thinks about Gabe sometimes. She's always resented being stuck in his shadow, second place to the golden boy, but it's different now. Mom's not around to fuss over him--what she thought was him--so it's easier to not hate him. She wonders if it's possible to hate a person without actually knowing them, wonders if he hates her for hating him.

She gets drunk after finals--vodka and Red Bull; alone in her dorm room--and barely realizes she's flipping through old photos until she finds one of Gabe as a baby. She's never been great at holding her liquor, and with the haze of the alcohol, the words slip out easily. "Hi, Gabe. I don't know if you can hear me, but...I'm sorry I hated you. It's just--" she laughs a little, sound ringing in her ears.

She starts talking to him more and more often, telling him about college, what she wants her future to realize it. The disconcerting thing is, she doesn't know she's doing it until one of her floormates asks _why didn't Gabe come to family weekend?_ and _how come he never calls you?_ and _where are the pictures of the two of you?_

*

Bipolar disorder can be genetic. The hallucinations start soon after Natalie starts talking to him--_Gabriel, one of the seven archangels. He shall blow the trumpet blast that initiates the end of time. Messenger of God, foreteller of the births of both John the Baptist and Jesus._

She'd laugh at the irony of it, if she wasn't scared half to death that she's destined to end up like her mother.


End file.
